I am so tired.

Please excuse this rant, but its kind of why I have a blog right??

So. I am in a PhD program. I started last year, so this is my second year of school. It is a very cool program. Especially because it is fully funded and such. I began last year so excited about spending the next 5-6 years becoming an academic. However, I personally, found myself REALLY unhappy with school and where my life was going if I stayed. So, I made a decision to leave the program after my Masters is done. No one, besides some friends in my cohort, know that I am planning to leave. My adviser does not know. My adviser cannot find out. No one really can, it has the potential of affecting my last year in the program.

Anyhow, when I decided I was leaving, I began planning the next steps and my subsequent “new life plan”. Being an academia drop-out took some getting used to :) My plan was to get an internship to get some work experience and make them love me so much that when I finished school, they would hire me full time!!!! Well, last summer, I did get an amazing internship. But there was a catch, they would only hire me if I could commit to working 20 hours a week minimum during the coming school year, and then they would hire me when I was done with school.

So, that’s what I have been doing. I have been secretly working 20 hours a week while in a full time PhD program while also continuing my TA-ship (Cause that’s what pays my tuition). Last quarter I did well. I was totally able to schedule my time effectively. I was working on solidifying my plans for my master’s thesis; but it was manageable.

I am freaking out this quarter. I am presenting my Thesis at the end of this ten week quarter. I have 7 weeks left. I am taking a class with my adviser, so the demands are higher. I am meeting with my adviser every week to show her ALL the progress I have made in the previous week.

I am so tired. I am overwhelmed. I feel stretched and fussy.

I will be okay. I will do what I need to do, and in 7 weeks I will be so excited and proud that I am done. But there is so much to do, and yet the relief I will feel in 7 weeks feels really far away. Today, I got a card from my Bestie.. and it almost made me cry. I needed some love today, and she used her BFFAE ESP to know it.

Oi. Please send me good thoughts, and please forgive my occasional rant here. And let me know if YOU need any support. Maybe we can all just support each other a little.

6 Responses to “I am so tired.”

  1. Who are you Mr. or Ms. Anonymous?

    I can’t tell my adviser that I am working, because I am not supposed to work. And if she is annoyed with me, it could make getting my thesis approved really difficult.

  2. not that my school load is in any way comparable to a masters program, but i can relate.

    now that school has started and i am actually seeing the full four classes and all the work there will be, i am freaking out a little too, on top of working full time and trying to have a social life (ha!). anywho you are not alone, and i love you a lot and am always here for you if you need to vent.

    it wouldn’t be the first time. :-)

  3. You my Love are the best. I believe if you think back, you get this way EVERY time the year is coming to a close. And you have always slain the beast and have been gotten through to the other side, swimmingly! It’s allmost over baby. And think of all you have accomplished!
    And all the good that lays ahead. I am SO PROUD of you and have no doubts!

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