Mr. A and I have been married now for almost 4 lovely months. A ton of people have asked me how it’s been going and the easy answer is AWESOMELY. Being married is fantastic and I recommend it whole heartedly. It’s easier than I thought it would be in most ways, he’s an easy guy to be around that husband of mine. But there has definitely been some, what shall we call them, learning opportunities along the way… lessons that I want to remember and pass along so I am introducing Lessons from a Newlywed. A new weekly series where we can chat about relationships and marriage, husbands and dirty dishes. I am thinking there might even be some Q&A sessions. What do you think? Excited?
Lesson #1: I am still responsible for my own happiness.
Before I met Mr. A, I was single for two whole years. I focused a ton of energy on figuring my shit out. I wanted to know who I was and be happy independently before even considering jumping into a new relationship. I found hobbies. I built a community of friends. I learned how to be alone. I also learned how to deal with myself when I was having a shitty day. Now is SO not the time to regress into codependency.
Being married did not take away my shitty days. For example, my birthday this year? I was fairly miserable. I might have cried. I had to work late so I spent the morning alone and then ate dinner at my desk. I felt sorry for myself. Knowing that I had cried on my birthday made Mr. A feel awful. I think he felt guilty, like it was his fault I was crying. He went out that evening and bought me a birthday card that sang and a label-maker, to go along with my already received birthday gift, in an attempt to make me feel better.
The next day I told him that while I love him and am so appreciative that he makes attempts to make my shitty days happier ones, my happiness is not his responsibility. When I am having a bad day, it’s up to me to do the things that will turn it around… whether that means alone time or social time or a little husband cuddling, I have to continue to take responsibility for my own joy.
What happens if in a few years I am hit with some serious depression? It could happen, my mom has had battles with depressions. What if I was so dependent on Mr. A to be my source of happiness that I relied on him to get me out of my depression? That could end really badly guys. I need to be self-aware and self-caring enough to nip any sort of real issues in the bud. I cannot be wasting time thinking Mr. A is somehow not doing his job of littering my life with sunshine and rainbows to ward off any depression. Instead, I let Mr. A add to my happiness but try to remember that the day-to-day outlook I have on life is and will always be a product of my own choices.
So now, when I am feeling down Mr. A will generally ask if there is anything he can do, and when I say no, he gives me some space. I always come around and he doesn’t have to spend his otherwise fine day being stressed out by my shitty mood. We both win.