In a week, I am scheduled to return to work.
Cue freak out tears.
I am only going back part-time, and even that is temporary as living in the bay area is just too expensive to not have two full incomes. Miles will be in day care three days a week for six hours each day. We found a great daycare right across the street from Mr. A’s school. The day care provider is an older lady who is really excited about having a little one to snuggle with. There are four other children who attend, and they seem great. They get to play outside and eat homemade vegetable soup for lunch. The house is full of little kid noises. It is completely affordable and I am sure Miles will get a ton of love there. At least, these are the things I remind myself at 2am when I start panicking over the thought of not being with my little boy all day anymore.
Miles and I have developed a routine. We know each other perfectly. I know his different cries, which one means he is tired and which one means he is just being a fuss-bucket. I am afraid that this lady won’t know all of his rhythms. She won’t know that he likes to sleep on your chest with a pinky in his mouth until he’s soothed enough and fast asleep. She won’t know what faces to make at him to make him giggle. And then soon enough she will know all about him; maybe that’s what is freaking me out the most. He will spend most of the day with someone who is not me and I am going to miss things. He’s going to start crawling and talking and being a person so soon and I am so sad I have to share that with anyone.
I also know that I will probably really like being back to work, in a way. I really like routine and meetings and having lunch with adults every day. I feel so very conflicted about the whole thing.
The fact is that I had all these ideas and plans for work once Miles was here, and now that he is here everything is different. If we can’t have me home with him all day then I want to have the best possible job so I can send Miles to the best possible day care while I am away from him.
Maybe I can convince my Mom to move here to take care of Miles during the day?