I wanted to live a vibrant life without fear.
I wanted to meet challenges head on.
I wanted to feel in love with my life, not because I’ve been lucky but because I’ve gone out and claimed what I want.
When the year began, I would have never described myself as ballsy. I liked my life, my job, my friends… but something felt hollow in it all. I felt really lucky to have the things I did, but feeling like I had everything because of lucky breaks left me feeling uneasy; I didn’t feel like I had ownership of my life.
A week after I wrote about a weekend I cried putting on a duvet cover by myself because I felt so overwhelmingly lonely, everything changed. I went to a friends house and something clicked with this guy I had known for a few months. I was scared but I wanted to live my life boldly right? Boldness didn’t mean being reckless with my heart, it meant taking the risk and opening my heart up. Being open to the big feelings; it doesn’t get much bolder than that.
Everything changed when Mr. A came into my life, and not just because I ahem got pregnant. What changed my life was how he and I responded to the pregnancy. We became a we. We decided to get married and we spent every ounce of our energy building the solid foundation we would need when our baby got here.. and it worked.
Boldness was accomplished. That is for sure.
Now, we’re beginning 2012 and I was struggling to pick a new word for the year. I have been given amazing things this past year, a husband and a son to start with. We are past the beginning stages of my life here in the bay area, of my marriage, and of my son’s life. I am now looking to take the things I have and grow them the best I can. Nourish them. Protect them. Making them a priority for my energy in 2012.
This year I want to take care of the things I have gained.
I will cultivate my marriage. In a lot of ways Mr. A and I are lucky with the way our relationship unfolded. We have always been 100% in. We never doubted each other for a second and we spent the months leading up to Miles guaranteeing we had the best possible foundation. I want to make sure Mr. A is feeling appreciated, loved, and adored as much as possible this year. I want date nights and affection. I want him to feel in his bones that he is loved; our marriage will thrive if I can do that.
I will cultivate my wee baby boy. He has a ton of growing to do this year. He’ll be walking and talking by the time 2013 rolls around. That’s crazy. I guess I want to make sure that I am having as much fun with him as possible. I don’t want to take the easy road when raising him. I want to take him to the park and get down on the floor to play with him. I want to soak in this year.
I will cultivate myself. I don’t want to get lost in all that I have to care for this year. I still have to take care of myself. This includes bath time, training for a half-marathon in May, time with friends, my writing, and anything else that feeds my soul. It’s just like those safety advisories on airplanes that tell you that in case of an emergency to put your oxygen mask on first. To take care of others I need to take care of me first.
What are YOU going to be striving for this year? Do you feel like you’re in a transitional phase of life or reaching an equilibrium?